I wanted to talk about loss today because I experienced three potentially devastating personal losses this past week. Loss affects each of us differently yet embracing the understanding that we should not look for our happiness in the things we cannot control, it can be challenging to process the effects of those things which occur around us.
The first two losses affected all key aspects of my life; they impacted me financially, emotionally and involved several close relationships as well. I’m pleased to say that based on the principles that I share in my book Stop the Rain Dance, I have emerged relatively unscathed. Did they affect me? Most certainly! Was I disappointed? Of course! Did it ruin my life? Absolutely NOT!
However, the purpose of this particular blog, is to share with you the third and most disappointing loss of the three. It has to do with the core fundamental reason why I decided to write this book. Let me explain…
Recently, a young woman presented to me a problem that had been affecting her for most of her life. This woman appears on all accounts, very levelheaded and composed. However, hidden beneath a very well constructed facade was a situation that was undermining any possibility of her attaining complete joyful expression during inimacy. To know the details of her condition is not so important but what I’m going to share with you, deeply moved me.
To digress for just a moment, several months ago I wrote a blog relating to my disappointment on how likely it was for people to change their lives for the better even when presented with a viable solution. To refer to this article click here.
In this most recent situation, this lovely, sensual and romantic woman shared with me something that made it impossible for her to have a healthy interpersonal relationship with any man. I listened, understood, contemplated her situation then offered a solution that had the potential to change her life forever. She listened to my explanation; she acknowledged her predicament and agreed that she needed to work through the process. However, what happen next literally broke my heart.
After spending some time alone, her mind apparently got the best of her. Unable to confront the demons inside her, she decided to forego any resolution, bury the pain and the problem along with it.
My heart goes out to those who are so trapped by their own minds that they stand frozen, unable to reach out for some loving help when the answer stands right before them. Feeling like I was witness to a terminal process and saddened by the outcome, the only viable solution for me was to focus my energy on something good. I asked myself, what I could possibly do that would relieve my defeated state of mind.
So I just decided to make lemonade out of my lemons. I accepted the fact that I cannot help everyone. That is not my responsibility. If you want a better life, that’s a decision YOU must make. No one can do it for you. But, it requires more than a solution. It will require affirmative action, energy and perhaps pain. You must do what it takes to change your situation or it will remain the same or worsen over time.
So, ask yourself… What wall in my life is keeping me from where I want to be? What specifically is keeping me from attaining the full expression of my life? So, what is full expression?
Starting with the basics, a balanced life involves your health, your relationships and your finances. It’s a three legged stool. Take one leg away and the stool falls over. For example, if you have been inadvertantly abusing the one and only body you have been given, what emotional, mental, or habitual modification is necessary to get back on the right track with your health. If you want to have a better body, you can do it but there’s a price to pay. Just understand that nobody will do it for you and most importantly, you DO have a choice. Every moment of every day you make that choice. Without good health, life sucks.
Are you stuck in a toxic relationship? Do you feel you’re trapped in that relationship because of your financial situation or your family obligations? Do you hate the thought of waking up with the same person every day but continue to do it because of your commitment? Does this make you sad, resentful or angry? Ralph Waldo Emerson stated that for every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness. Each of us is given only so many minutes to live in this world. I don’t know about you but every moment I’m alive is precious to me. Not just to be alive but to live fully.
When faced with a challenging situation in life we only have three options. You can try to change it, you can accept it or remove yourself from it. Just keep in mind that accepting the situation does not mean putting up with it. It means truly embracing it and perhaps even loving it so that you feel completely free and uncompromised. Otherwise you’re just kidding yourself and slowly dying inside for every moment you grieve. Also remember this, you play a part of every relationship you have. Life is a series of moment-by-moment choices. Which ones are you making now? Learn to cultivate joy in your relationship.
Does it ever feel like there never enough money to go around? Even if you get more money, does it seem to go away too quickly? Has this been a chronic problem throughout your life? If you answered yes, it may surprise you that getting more money is not going to be the answer to your problem. The solution is all about you changing your relationship with money. This requires a fundamental change in the way you see how money works in your life. Are you willing to take responsibility for that? Or do you still want to blame the economy, your background, your color, your education or something else out there in the world that doesn’t give you enough money to live like everybody else? Yes, it’s a painful concept to embrace the notion that it’s your thinking and behavior that has placed you where you are today. But until you do, your situation will remain the same, day after day, year after year.
Therefore, if you’re not happy with your present situation, it’s not because there are no solutions. It’s simply because you have not taken the responsibility for where you are and most importantly, where you were headed. Often times when people find a solution they begin to deny there’s a problem. This is because the pain associated with change is greater than pretending “all is good” and they begin disassociating with their life situation. Often, this is done through distraction and excessive involvement in unassociated tasks. Consequently, when the problem is out of sight, it’s out of mind. But it’s still lurking in the depths of the mind; which is sadly pathetic. Just another ticking time-bomb.
In my estimation, there is no such thing as a lack of solutions to the problems we face; today or in the future. There is only a lack of imagination, desire and effort. If you truly want to change your life you need to change yourself first and you need to do it now. Not tomorrow, right now. Always remember this as it may help you understand who is truly in charge of your life situation. You may look to others for answers but don’t expect them to do it for you. Remember this simple mantra: If it is to be, it’s up to me.
The lemonade from my lemons would be, for me, the notion that someone somewhere was enlightened by this post and will help themselves or someone else to create and enjoy a happier, more fruitful existence.
Let’s make the world a better place, one person at a time… Starting with you!
Writer, physician, inventor, talk show host and entrepreneur, Dr. Stagl empowers others through his book Stop the Rain Dance by offering practical tools to achieve a balanced and rewarding life. With his diverse background and never-ending search of life’s universal principles, he will share with you how to create a better life for yourself and the world around you. www.StoptheRainDance.com